Is it? Is it REALLY?
I have become recently aware that despite the vision of the public this is not what my job is. I am employed to lie, manipulate and hold back all human emotion to move human cargo from point A to point B.
My job is to approach each patient in a methodical manner to provide the best care possible. What this in fact seems to mean is to develop an ability to turn off all human emotion. I can't afford to panic, or get upset or angry with the patients I move I have to be working by the book and in the calmest manner possible.
Today I collected a gentleman who had accidently overdosed in an effort to stop the pain that he had been to hospital twice for and been fobbed off each time. He didn't even know he had overdosed. He genuinely was just trying to stop the pain.
I couldn't get upset, couldn't tell him he had probably permanently damaged his liver and kidneys. Couldn't get upset when moving him back to A&E and his condition deteroiated. No. My job was to stay calm turn off every basic human emotion and get him to hospital.
Tonight I've come back and looked in the mirror. What I've seen is someone that I don't even recognise. When I found out that he was actually quite poorly later from another ambulance crew I trully didn't care. I didn't want to know. I had delivered him safely to A&E caught the serious problem and had reacted in the best way possible.
Worse this ability to switch off has permeated into the rest of my life. Troubles at home have caused me to switch off every emotional pain receptor in my brain. It bounces off me now and rather than pretending not to care I really don't. I feel nothing.
It has got so bad I no longer know whether when I do feel something if it's me feeling it or me trying to convince myself I feel something just so that I can feel like a normal human being.
At moment I fear that I have destroyed the part of me that cares in an effort to be better. I arrived at a job yesterday upset and 30 seconds out it was gone. No feelings no nothing. What kind of a person can turn off everything, shut down every last piece of humanity?
It appears that in an effort to try and be everything patients need me to be I have turned myself into a robotic machine that cannot care about anything or anyone. I don't know how to go back. I don't even know if its possible for me to go back.
I think I may have destroyed everything in me that makes me a human being.
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2 comments:
It's a coping mechanism. Sometimes that's the only way to deal with repeated stressful/traumatic situations without losing your sanity. I'd say going numb or developing a very dark sense of humor beats the hell out of letting your job destroy you, either mentally or physically.
If you're not adverse to the notion, a good psychotherapist could give you more insight and help you find other ways to cope. Unfortunately, a lot of people think that seeing a therapist means they're crazy or somesuch, but it doesn't. Psychotherapy is like physical therapy: it just helps get you back to where you'd like to be after you've suffered an injury....
I agree with the above comment! I myself feel no shame in calling my mum just to hear a familiar voice and to tell her i love her after a hard shift or a nasty job. i definately agree that a dark sense of humour or a certain ammount of detachment keeps all of your marbles safe in their bag! however the point that you feel you have lost your humanity or have a weakening grip on sanity is, in my opinion, time to find another career choice... saying this you have noticed that there is a difference in your emotional functioning and, again this is only my opinion, the fact you have noticed seems to mean you must have something left there.
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